A DOCUMENTARY IN FOUR SCENES…WITH FIFTH SCENE TO COME LATER THIS YEAR OR NEXT.
SCENE 1: 1984
The film opens at the finals of the Miss Alaska Pageant, 1984.
LONG SHOT of contestants on stage.
VOICEOVER: “And the winner is……..”
CLOSEUP of expectant SARAH Heath
VOICEOVER: “Maryline Blackburn!”
MARYLINE BLACKBURN IN 2010
CLOSEUP of SARAH whispering to GOD: “I froze my ass off for you in Big Beaver or Little Beaver or one of them Beaver lakes when I got immersed for you in 1976. Don’t you ever let some black bitch beat me again!”
SCENE 2: 1997
Mayor SARAH sits with supporters at Wasilla Assembly of God church, looking at newspaper headlines proclaiming that the Alaska Supreme Court has just permanently prohibited Wasilla’s Valley Medical Center from banning second-trimester abortions.
SARAH: “That’s why we need Christian judges: so no branch of any federal or state government will ever bitch-slap Jesus again.”
OTHERS: “Amen! Amen, Sister Sarah! Amen, Queen Esther!”
Others leave. SARAH returns to her MAYOR’S OFFICE. She places a call.
SARAH: “Hey, Savior-Man, what’s up? You just slammed another door in my face.”
GOD: “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, Sarah. I’m trying to toughen you up for bigger fights ahead.”
SCENE 3: 2002
Election Night at “Palin for Lieutenant Governor” headquarters. Early vote totals make it clear that SARAH will lose.
CLOSEUP of SARAH, now speaking on cellphone:
SARAH: “WTF, Big Guy? How tough do you think I need to be? If you’re going to have some dude make a movie about me nine years from now and call it The Undefeated, it might be nice if you’d let me win something for once.”
GOD: “I only want the best for you, and I only give my best. Remember though: My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts…for as the heavens are higher than the earth, my ways are higher than yours! I wrote that all down for you in the Good Book! Look it up!”
SARAH: “Hey, chill a little. You’re God. You don’t have to use so many exclamation points.”
GOD: “Sorry, daughter, sometimes I get carried away. In any event, don’t sweat it. I’m going to send you a Down Syndrome baby who will make you the Republican nominee for vice president in 2008. And when you write Going Rogue you can quote me. You can even say, ‘I decided to write the letter as though it were from Trig’s Creator, the same Creator in whom I had put my trust more than thirty years before.’ You cool with that?”
SARAH: “Sure, but won’t there be copyright problems?”
GOD: “Not if you credit me properly. What do you think, I’m gonna sue?”
SCENE 4: 2008
LONG SHOT of McCain headquarters in Arizona. Cactuses wilt. Gila monsters curl into fetal positions. Rattlesnakes cry. Slaves escape from the compound. It’s obvious the McCain-Palin ticket has lost.
CLOSEUP of Sarah, talking to MCCAIN.
SARAH: “I wanna make my own speech.”
MCCAIN: “It’s just not customary. I can’t let you do it.”
SARAH: “Fuck you! It wasn’t customary to pick an ignorant, narcissistic backstabber to run with you in the first place. So don’t give me that ‘customary’ shit!
MCCAIN: “Listen, bitch: you dragged me down. You put that black Muslim in the White House. But I’m not going to let you steal my last act tonight.”
SARAH: “Let me tell you something, you wet old fart. If you’d have let me go rogue”—
INTERRUPTION as we hear “Onward Christian Soldiers” playing as a cell phone ring.
SARAH: “Excuse me, I’ve got to take this……Hello? Yes, this is her. Oh, God, good to hear from you. Hey, buddy, you didn’t open that door quite wide enough…..What’s that?……Yeah, yeah, that’s easy for you to say, but I’ve been defeated one more time, pal, and now I have to go back to effing Alaska. What circle of hell is that?!……Yeah, right, but you know what? You sound like the Brooklyn Dodgers, always saying ‘wait till next year.’…….What’s that? You’ve got me a deal on a one-point-seven million dollar house in Scottsdale?……You’ve got me the presidential nomination in 2012?……Okay, okay, but not so fast. What about the 2012 election? I lost to that black bitch Blackburn for Miss Alaska back in the day, and everytime I see Michelle Obama all I can think of is that. So no deal, Bro’, unless this time you’re gonna take me all the way…..What? What’s that?……Sorry, you’re breaking up……
FADE TO BLACK